Barely Breathing
by xo going nowhere
Summary: Cause I am barely breathing, and I can't find the air. I don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care. Annette isn't as oblivious as she seems.


_This is kind of alternate universe. Imagine that everything in Cruel Intentions has happened, up until the point where Sebastian had an altercation with Kathryn after he says "I love you too," to Annette over the phone. The whole "you're just a toy, Sebastian" thing never happened, and neither did the car accident. This story takes place a few months later, and Sebastian and Annette have been together the entire time. _

_**Barely Breathing**_

Don't you just _hate_ when there's a song on the radio, and you feel like the songwriter was glancing into your soul, using you own life for material to convey angst to the masses? When the lyrics are so appropriately perfect that you don't know whether to smile or scream or cry, or just break like you've been trying to for weeks? It's now, as I roll along at high speeds in his 1956 Jaguar Roadster down the countryside with nothing but the radio to keep me company that I think I've finally broken.

_Well I know what you're doing_

_I see it all too clear_

_I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears_

It's the truth, isn't it Sebastian? All those nights when you come to me, and we make love and your expression is so vacant… you're trying to forget everything you've left behind. You told me that once, when I asked you if you missed who you used to be. I could even understand it if you did. The wealth, the parties, the respect. It takes a strong man to give that up, and I was so proud of you, Sebastian. But I've read your journal, I know you much better than you think I do. What you really left behind was not multitudes of vapid cheerleaders, or charity functions, or clubbing with Blaine. What you _really_ left behind was Kathryn, and now you're doing everything possible to forget.

That one night, the night we got back together and we lay together in my bed, I was so happy. I turned to you, and you had a single tear resting in the corner of your eye. The rest of your face was completely indifferent to the liquefied emotion, and I found it completely transfixing. Maybe this should've been my first sign that you just didn't feel the same, the way that our being together made me smile and you cry.

_You really had me going, wishing on a star_

_But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far_

_I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn_

_It must've been that yesterday was the day that I was born_

I'm parked at the side of the road now, but there's no one there to notice. It's mercifully quiet to allow me to stew in my own thoughts, but the tune ploughs on, determined to drill its meaning into my skull.

You're an amazing boyfriend Sebastian, you really are. I could ask you for anything in the world, and you'd give it to me in a heartbeat. You spoil me ridiculously but it always tugs at my heart, whether you're doing it out of guilt. I don't know why this relationship is killing me like it is. I can't even ask you for love, Sebastian, because I know that you _do_ love me. It's just not the right kind.

I can't even ask you to just _stop_ loving her, because there is no past tense in love. You either still love someone, or you never did. You've never asked anything of me, I can't ask you to suppress your feelings. But that doesn't mean that when I go home at night, I don't cry myself to sleep wishing that you would.

_There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide_

_You really can't be serious, if you have to ask me why_

_I say goodbye..._

Back in Kansas, I had the most amazing friend. Her name was Caroline, and she was much more outgoing than I was. Even back in the country, I had problems trusting people. You can imagine what you're doing to me _now_, Sebastian. Caroline used to get in over her head with boys constantly, but finally one came along that made her think that this is the one she should keep. Insecure as she got, they always managed to make it through. Every time she would come over crying because he hadn't called _again_, I would tell her to just think back on the good times, all the time and effort they had put into their relationship, and how it was all worth it.

I called Caroline last night, because you didn't call. She gave me the same advice I had given her so many times, to just think back on the good times and why it was all worth it. That's just **_it_**, Sebastian, what times do we have? Our good times consist of volunteering at a nursing home and you taking my virginity for sport! When I call to tuck you in at night, but you're far from home, what am I supposed to think?

_Cause I am barely breathing_

_And I can't find the air_

_Don't know who I'm kidding_

_Imagining you care_

_And I could stand here waiting_

_A fool for another day_

_I don't suppose it's worth the price, you're worth the price_

_The price that I would pay_

I told you I'd meet you over an hour ago. This is another difference between us, Sebastian, I'm nowhere near home but you still haven't called. I have your car, too. I'm sitting on the side of an abandoned road in _your_ car. It's a well known fact that you love this car more than life itself. So that means that you're with _her_. She's the only one who you would ever care about more than the car I'm currently sitting in. Your infamous bet proves it. I'd _bet_ you anything that she's the reason why you haven't been cellular-stalking me for the past hour. But isn't it funny that I don't even list myself as one of the things you care about? I am completely and totally aware that your car means more to you than I do, as does your stepsister. Now I'm wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, and the radio seems like the only sympathy I'll be getting.

_Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?_

_I used to be so certain and I can't figure out_

_What is this attraction? I only feel the pain_

_There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame_

_Will it ever change?_

I had Trevor, and he promised me that I'd always have him. We called ourselves a couple, but we'd always felt more like friends who held hands a lot. I was kind of hoping that you would be my first real boyfriend, Sebastian, but I guess it doesn't count when your 'boyfriend' is in love with someone else.

Its adorable how you try to hide it, it really is. I can't help but love you for the way your eyes soften whenever you look at me, and how you whisper that you love me as you kiss my forehead. Sometimes I wonder if it's a forced adoration, and then _she_ walks in, and I know it is. But it's such a good imitation that I can't help but believe sometimes that you're really in love with me. You look at me like you know that you _should_. You look at Kathryn the way you know that you shouldn't.

When you're with her, even if you're in the middle of a screaming match and you feel like you could strangle her with your bare hands, you can't help but look at her like she's the most beautiful creature in the entire world and you can't believe that you're actually talking to her. You can't believe that you feel for her, and she feels for you, and you both care enough to be screaming in the first place.

You could hate her with the fire of a thousand suns, but that doesn't matter, because she can still make you _feel_. She can force you out of your indifference, Sebastian, and all I can do is make you fake it.

When we're at your townhouse, and she walks into a room, you can sense it. And you smile. You don't have to turn around and look. Even in the ballroom, during crowded charity galas that your stepmother is so fond of having, you know if she's in the vicinity. Kathryn will walk past, pretending not to have noticed you, but it's impossible to miss the tiny grin that spreads across her face. At least, it's impossible for me. But I suppose that uncontrollable jealousy will do that to a person.

You don't have the same sense when it comes to me. Sometimes I walk up behind you, just to see.

_I've come to find,_

_I may never know_

_Your changing mind_

_Is it friend or foe?_

_I rise above_

_Or sink below_

_With every time_

_You come and go_

_Please don't come and go_

You try to disguise it when you look at her too. You're trying to _force_ yourself to see her as someone repulsive, someone evil, someone unworthy of your adoration. You're trying not to look at her like you're in love. You're trying **not** to, and it's still a million times more powerful than anything your beautiful eyes do when they're looking at me.

Don't _you_ get tired of this, Sebastian? This **_constant_** faking it. Who are we trying to hold it together for? We're in love, but it's not with each other, so why are we doing this? This is hurting everybody. She can't see you with me, and you can't see her with any of the nice preppies from school, and I can't keep imaging what you do when I'm not around. Your journal was more than enough information, _thanks._

I can't keep doing this, so I'm not going to. Of course, Sebastian's amazing gorgeous, wonderfully sweet and beyond witty and I love him more than life itself, but this love triangles are moronic, especially if the outcome is obvious. Something's got to give, and it'll never be you and Kathryn.

_Cause I am barely breathing_

_And I can't find the air_

_I don't know who I'm kidding_

_Imagining you care_

_And I could stand here waiting_

_A fool for another day_

_I don't suppose it's worth the price, you're worth the price_

_The price that I would pay_

_But I'm thinking it over anyway..._

_I'm thinking it over anyway..._

And the song's winding to a close, as is this story. I'm wrapped up in my own melodrama, but I'm back on the road now. I'm coming home to you, Sebastian. But between us, we've never made much of a home, have we? Actually, I have a perfect visual of your home, decorating like an 18th century French chateau with the modern-day nobility to go with it. Home is where the heart is, and your heart, or what's left of it anyway, resides in the ice blue room across the hall from your own. I guess that's your karmic punishment, to be in love with your stepsister. I guess mine is to be in love with you.

A split-second decision that I know I won't regret, and the wheel has jerked to the right, sending me spinning into the river below. It was perfect, a scene out of a movie, as the wooden barricades splintered and I was pitched forward, choked slightly by the seat belt before the final splash. I think with irony upon a Woody Allen quote I once stumbled across, "A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know it has to constantly move forward or else it dies. I think what we have on our hands here is a dead shark."

So we can amass our entire relationship as a dead shark. Isn't that frightfully romantic, Sebastian?

I'm miles from home. Still the middle of nowhere in fact, but the scenery is beautiful and I wouldn't mind so much if that didn't mean that I wouldn't be found for hours. It's going to be that long before you realize that I'm not there. It'll take that long for you to break out of your Kathryn-induced haze. This would cause any girl extraordinary pain, but I take comfort in one thing. I know that you'd give anything for this not to happen.

I took your car down with me.

_And I know what you're doing_

_I see it all too clear…_

_----------_

_Okay, so it's disclaimer time!_

_The song is "Barely Breathing" by Duncan Shiek, who is not me. The characters are from Cruel Intentions, which was written by Roger Kumble, who is not me, but were loosely based on the ones from Les Liaisons Dangereuse, which was written by Choderlos de Laclos, who also is not me. The original idea for this fic came from the wonderful Katie, who is not me. So basically, I have virtually nothing to do with this fic besides the wording. Hahah._

_Please review and let me know what you guys thought!_

_Thanks for reading,_

_Xo Sam_


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